Integrating into a blended family is always a challenge. There
are things that go smoothly and things that don’t. While it may be a sticky or
even messy process to integrate into a family as a stepmother or stepfather, I
can tell you from experience that when it goes well, it’s probably the best
experience you can ever have in your life. My two stepchildren make life more
interesting and much more fun.
Then comes the next phase of some blended families… a new
baby. Our little boy is due July 22nd and we’re very excited. Along
with the excitement comes a new set of challenges. What’s the most important
thing to remember? Patience and love for all parties involved. Remember, your
decision to expand your family affects not only your children, but also the
extended nuclear family. Having a new baby in the family can be seen as
threatening to the current set of children, and they can bring those anxieties
into both your home and their other parent’s home. In an ideal situation, all
parents and stepparents involved are communicating well enough to manage
emotional or behavioral issues that may surface. Unfortunately, an ideal
situation isn't always the reality. So you work with what you have and do your
best.
This is a celebration of birth, so don’t tippy-toe around
your kids hoping they adjust. Making them a part of the planning can help them acclimate
to a new baby. Talk about what they bring to the family and what they can
contribute to the new vision of the family. They have a role and opinions and
giving them a bit of reasonable control can help everyone along. Avoiding
talking about the baby or being overly careful of their feelings will send the
message that they should be upset. It’s important to find the happy medium of
comfort for you and your children.
Here are some tips we followed to help our kids feel a part
of our expanding family:
- Use this as an opportunity to explain the birds and the bees in an age appropriate way. Opening up the conversation will make it OK for them to ask any questions that pop up, and there will be questions.
- Narrow down your favorite names and allow the children to have input in the name. I let them veto one of my preferences for a first name and vetoed theirs… Justin Bieber and Shaq. (I think the reason for the veto is obvious.) But once we were all brainstorming, they really liked the other name I preferred. In fact, they got more of a say than my husband did. (But he chose the middle name so I think we all came out OK in the end.)
- Bring them along to pick out items for the baby’s room or to register for gifts. My stepdaughter was able to man the registry gun at Babies R Us and I even let her register for a pair of roller skates. It would be amusing to see people’s reaction to a pair of pink roller skates on a baby boy’s registry.
- Talk about what they can share with the baby. When preparing to move, my stepson kept many of his old Cubs jerseys and baby books because he wanted to share them with his new brother. He even talked with his dad about what books he was read first and now the kids argue over who will be the first to read to the baby.
- Bring out the old baby pictures. I put the hospital pictures of the kids on the mantel along with their brother’s ultrasound picture from 20 weeks. It will eventually be replaced with his hospital picture. Just because I wasn't there for their births, doesn't mean we won’t celebrate their entry into the family as well. It also helps to have them talk to their other set of parents about when they were born. I've never met a kid who doesn't love those stories.
- Let them have time with their birth parent. Time alone without the stepparent can allow for more frank conversation. Go to dinner or for ice cream with your kids and open the door to conversation. They may surprise you by letting you know about their secret fears, such as “Everyone will pay attention to the baby and not to me.” If you don’t give the space for the discussion, it won’t happen.
- Allow them to develop their own relationship with the baby. My stepdaughter loves to tell secrets to my belly and try to feel him kick. My stepson is more reserved about it. That’s fine! He’ll love his little brother just as much as she will. Just let them be themselves. You can’t force a relationship.
