Talking About Tragedy

Has your TV been on since Friday’s tragic events? Mine was. Over and over I heard the question, “How do we talk to our children about these events?” Unfortunately, I did not hear the experts answer the question. Therefore, I thought I would provide some recommendations.  

1. Open the discussion in a general way. By offering to talk about an event, but not pushing it, you allow your child to decline to participate. He or she may feel overwhelmed or want to avoid thinking about sad things. This is OK, it’s a coping mechanism.
2. Let your child lead the conversation. Let him or her ask the questions. Don’t give unsolicited information about the event. If your child detours the conversation to another topic, it means he or she is done discussing it for now.
3. Be honest. You don’t have to give all the details, but giving misinformation  is a definite “don’t.”
4. Validate your child’s feelings. These are real emotions and the confusion and fear surrounding a random event of violence is normal. 
5. Remind your child that he or she is safe. Tragic events are random. There is no way to predict who will be impacted and when. That’s scary for a child who already feels overwhelmed by the task of growing up. Remind your child that you and the adults in his or her life are there to protect them.
6. Make this a teachable moment. So many children were saved because they listened to their trusted adults. Remind your children the best thing they can do in a crisis is to listen to their teachers or other adults and follow instructions. 
7. Teach tolerance. It’s easy to point fingers and over-generalize differences as a cause of the event. Refrain from pointing fingers at people who may be different than you or your family. This is the time to remind your child that everyone deserves love, support and hope in their lives. 
8. Close the conversation with an open-door policy. If your child ever has any other questions or wants to talk about how he or she feels, you are available. 
9. Turn off the TV. Your family can easily become overwhelmed by the constant media coverage in the wake of a tragedy. Choose what information source you trust, check in with it occasionally, and let your child get back to everyday routines without the constant onslaught of information.
10. Consult a professional. These are stressful times. One tragedy can spark a reaction that you may not expect from you or your family. It can also bring back old trauma wounds. If you cannot sleep or are experiencing a strong reaction, you may benefit from professional mental health support. 

When thinking about the tragedy in Connecticut, I’m reminded of the child who told his teacher that he knew karate and could lead the way out if they needed him to do so. Children are so brave and so resilient, if we allow them to be. Take a step back and remember that your fears don’t have to be your child’s fears. Use this as a time to hold them near, encourage their uniqueness and be thankful for the holiday season together. 

Difficult Conversations With Your Parents

As children we usually cannot wait for our own home, our own life and our own rules. For some of us, no sooner is that goal reached, and another issue arises that we never anticipated… aging parents.  As time goes on, you may find things that concern you about your parents’ lives. Perhaps they are forgetting things more often, or they become ill or injured. Your parents may even need to rely on you more often than before. If you have concerns about your parents and their lifestyle, health or mental capabilities, preparing for an honest and direct conversation can be the best approach. What follows are a few tips for when that time comes.

• Choose a good time to have the conversation. Busy kitchens at  holidays aren’t the most conducive location talk about sensitive topics.
• Manage your emotions and don’t speak from anger or frustration. The more upset you are, the more reactive they will be to your emotional state.
• Come with notes. Don’t have a conversation with an aging parent without making notes about the things that concern you and what expectations or limitations you need to set with them. It will help in the moment to have a point of reference… especially if the conversation gets sidetracked.  
• Allow them to comfort you. Your parents are still your parents and you’re still their child. Letting them sooth you a bit will help   balance the relationship out again.  
• Set appropriate boundaries. Letting family members know what your limits are for time, money or energy will help to reinforce  those times when you cannot lend a hand.

Having these conversations is never easy. If you feel you need support, please reach out to a professional. A family therapist can help guide you and your family together, mediate issues that come up and provide ongoing support to changing situations. Sometimes it just takes someone not “stuck” in the family system to help find objective ways to approach problem solving. You are not in this alone.

What is "Having It All?"

Many of you have heard about the July/August 2012 article in The Atlantic entitled, “Women Still Can’t Have It All.” Anne-Marie Slaughter has a great point. Women can’t have the perfect home, perfect kids, be the perfect mother and have the perfect career. However, neither can men. Idealism aside, all of that is just plain hard work. It is possible to greatly enjoy your career, work hard to make things happen in your life and have a family. The key is to understand which is most important at any given moment.

This is the eternal struggle of work-life balance. And women, we don’t have the market cornered on juggling life’s demands. These days, life is less like a “Mad Men” episode (I know this because I don’t have a mini-bar in my office and no one is smoking inside) and more like an episode of “Wipe Out.” Especially within bi-nuclear families, men and women alike take more responsibility for the home, the family and everything in between. This leaves us dodging and weaving our way through obstacles. Launching ourselves into slippery situations and sometimes ending up stuck in the mud. But at the end we reach the finish line, look back and think, “I did the best I could, and my family turned out all right.”

I see it myself in real-time. Making the decision by asking myself, “Which is more important at this time?” Do I spend time with the family or workout? Do I take the extra work time or do I have a date night? Life is full of push/pull. Knowing who I am regardless of the situation, what my goals are and living life according to my personal values is what keeps me balanced. It’s far from perfect. But it’s pretty darn great.  

Spring Clean Your Relationships

With all of the Snow White themed movies coming out recently, I am reminded of the original Disney version. Snow White seemed so happy to sing and sweep in that little cottage. These days, cleaning is less of a glorious task and more of a necessity, concentrated mostly in the spring/summer.

As the weather is warming, the kids are fleeing from school and you’re steadily overwhelmed by thoughts of vacation and juggling work-life needs, don’t forget the following tips to clean out your relationships…

1.    Make use of the weather to expand your relationship network. People get out and move more than any other time of the year. It’s a great opportunity for you to join a club or sport to meet new people and make new friends.

2.    Set up special one-on-one time with your significant other. Take some time to get out and hit a music festival with your partner or go canoeing. Do something fun- shared adventure increases positive feelings in a relationship. When out, talk about anything other than the house or the kids.

3.    Pick a goal to reach by September. Goals aren’t just for January. Goals can be to visit your parents more often, try a new activity or simply to work out more often. Picture yourself doing something that would enhance your life experience and take action. Share your goal with others and ask for their support –perhaps they’ll even join you in your efforts.

4.      Make a date with your kids. Time spent running them all over the earth for activities this summer isn’t quality time. Make a date with each child for one-on-one time each month. Let them choose a special activity and just have fun. Those are the memories they will keep. Take a picture of the two of you for the day and start a summer collage frame for them to keep. Memories get made every day – make them good ones.

At the end of the summer, take a moment to see what you accomplished. It’s important to look back on time and see the good things. Did you make a new lifelong friend? Perhaps you enhanced relationships with your families? Maybe you finally cleaned your ill-fitting clothes out of your closet? Any of these is a great accomplishment.

Don’t just let life pass you by. Embrace it, and those around you, to really enjoy your life experience.

Late Teens and the Confused Parent

It’s hard to see your teen dealing with the social, physical and emotional transitions that occur during adolescence. And it’s not any easier for a parent of a teen. Last night, I ran into a friend who asked about how to help her 19 year old get over a breakup.

When you nurture and love a child for so many years, it’s incredibly difficult to step back and let her make her own mistakes. However, no one ever learned by being told something, they learn by doing. Think of life like medical school…see one, do one, teach one… mistakes that is.

You can see what she is through because you went through it yourself. During a tough breakup, it’s time to stand back, be a listening ear, and let her learn her own lessons. Developmentally, a 19 year old brain is still developing the frontal lobe. The frontal lobe is the home to reasoning, planning and judgment. This part of the brain doesn’t fully develop until the age of 25. So when your late adolescent daughter thinks that a breakup is the end of her world, it’s because her brain can’t yet recognize that perhaps it is not.

When she does come to understand that her emotions pass, she learns from her experiences and that things do work out in the end, listen to her. Help her talk through things in a way that helps her brain make the neural connections needed to be most efficient. Then when she needs the information again the future, you can be sure that you aided her in moving from heartbroken to strong in less time.

Strategies For Keeping Your Cool with a Toddler

One of the things I frequently see when working with parents of toddlers is a clear level of frustration because their child isn't "listening" to them when they scold them. Moms, Dads, caregivers, it's time to take a step back and think about development. You toddler is in a big new world without the ability to filter information. Everything is fresh and inviting. It's an exploration extravaganza!

The sound of you shouting "no" can barely get in past all the sights, sounds and touch sensory simuli. In addition to that, the cause and effect connection in your toddler's head isn't up and running the way it is for you. They're still learning that actions lead to consequences, a learning process called "assimilation and accomodation." To help that process along, caregivers can follow these tips.

1. Remember this isn't personal. Take a deep breath and remember it's not that your toddler is being "naughty," he or she is just trying to learn about his or her boundaries. It's a toddler's job right now to explore the world and figure out what is what.
2. Get down on his/her level. Parenting from across the room, or from the couch won't work with a toddler. Walk over to where he or she is and get down to their level so they can look you in the eyes.
3. Get his/her attention. Firmly but gently hold your toddlers hands and directly address him or her by name.
4. Name the behavior. While I'm a big fan of speaking to children with the same level of vocabulary you would with an adult, I suggest streaming out the data now and being focused. A simple,"No, no touching the window." is sufficient. You may want to repeat it a few times.
5. Redirect to an acceptable activity. Pull out a favorite toy, or encourage your toddler to pursue something across the room. This helps them come up with an alternative activity in which to participate.
6. Repeat... and repeat... and repeat. Consistency and repetition help toddlers learn what the boundaries for their world are. It takes time to learn that these rules are THE RULES. Expect your toddler to test you. It's his/her job to figure things out.

Boundaries show your children that they are safe and that you love them. Don't be afraid to take that step.