Late Teens and the Confused Parent

It’s hard to see your teen dealing with the social, physical and emotional transitions that occur during adolescence. And it’s not any easier for a parent of a teen. Last night, I ran into a friend who asked about how to help her 19 year old get over a breakup.

When you nurture and love a child for so many years, it’s incredibly difficult to step back and let her make her own mistakes. However, no one ever learned by being told something, they learn by doing. Think of life like medical school…see one, do one, teach one… mistakes that is.

You can see what she is through because you went through it yourself. During a tough breakup, it’s time to stand back, be a listening ear, and let her learn her own lessons. Developmentally, a 19 year old brain is still developing the frontal lobe. The frontal lobe is the home to reasoning, planning and judgment. This part of the brain doesn’t fully develop until the age of 25. So when your late adolescent daughter thinks that a breakup is the end of her world, it’s because her brain can’t yet recognize that perhaps it is not.

When she does come to understand that her emotions pass, she learns from her experiences and that things do work out in the end, listen to her. Help her talk through things in a way that helps her brain make the neural connections needed to be most efficient. Then when she needs the information again the future, you can be sure that you aided her in moving from heartbroken to strong in less time.

Strategies For Keeping Your Cool with a Toddler

One of the things I frequently see when working with parents of toddlers is a clear level of frustration because their child isn't "listening" to them when they scold them. Moms, Dads, caregivers, it's time to take a step back and think about development. You toddler is in a big new world without the ability to filter information. Everything is fresh and inviting. It's an exploration extravaganza!

The sound of you shouting "no" can barely get in past all the sights, sounds and touch sensory simuli. In addition to that, the cause and effect connection in your toddler's head isn't up and running the way it is for you. They're still learning that actions lead to consequences, a learning process called "assimilation and accomodation." To help that process along, caregivers can follow these tips.

1. Remember this isn't personal. Take a deep breath and remember it's not that your toddler is being "naughty," he or she is just trying to learn about his or her boundaries. It's a toddler's job right now to explore the world and figure out what is what.
2. Get down on his/her level. Parenting from across the room, or from the couch won't work with a toddler. Walk over to where he or she is and get down to their level so they can look you in the eyes.
3. Get his/her attention. Firmly but gently hold your toddlers hands and directly address him or her by name.
4. Name the behavior. While I'm a big fan of speaking to children with the same level of vocabulary you would with an adult, I suggest streaming out the data now and being focused. A simple,"No, no touching the window." is sufficient. You may want to repeat it a few times.
5. Redirect to an acceptable activity. Pull out a favorite toy, or encourage your toddler to pursue something across the room. This helps them come up with an alternative activity in which to participate.
6. Repeat... and repeat... and repeat. Consistency and repetition help toddlers learn what the boundaries for their world are. It takes time to learn that these rules are THE RULES. Expect your toddler to test you. It's his/her job to figure things out.

Boundaries show your children that they are safe and that you love them. Don't be afraid to take that step.