Talking About Tragedy

Has your TV been on since Friday’s tragic events? Mine was. Over and over I heard the question, “How do we talk to our children about these events?” Unfortunately, I did not hear the experts answer the question. Therefore, I thought I would provide some recommendations.  

1. Open the discussion in a general way. By offering to talk about an event, but not pushing it, you allow your child to decline to participate. He or she may feel overwhelmed or want to avoid thinking about sad things. This is OK, it’s a coping mechanism.
2. Let your child lead the conversation. Let him or her ask the questions. Don’t give unsolicited information about the event. If your child detours the conversation to another topic, it means he or she is done discussing it for now.
3. Be honest. You don’t have to give all the details, but giving misinformation  is a definite “don’t.”
4. Validate your child’s feelings. These are real emotions and the confusion and fear surrounding a random event of violence is normal. 
5. Remind your child that he or she is safe. Tragic events are random. There is no way to predict who will be impacted and when. That’s scary for a child who already feels overwhelmed by the task of growing up. Remind your child that you and the adults in his or her life are there to protect them.
6. Make this a teachable moment. So many children were saved because they listened to their trusted adults. Remind your children the best thing they can do in a crisis is to listen to their teachers or other adults and follow instructions. 
7. Teach tolerance. It’s easy to point fingers and over-generalize differences as a cause of the event. Refrain from pointing fingers at people who may be different than you or your family. This is the time to remind your child that everyone deserves love, support and hope in their lives. 
8. Close the conversation with an open-door policy. If your child ever has any other questions or wants to talk about how he or she feels, you are available. 
9. Turn off the TV. Your family can easily become overwhelmed by the constant media coverage in the wake of a tragedy. Choose what information source you trust, check in with it occasionally, and let your child get back to everyday routines without the constant onslaught of information.
10. Consult a professional. These are stressful times. One tragedy can spark a reaction that you may not expect from you or your family. It can also bring back old trauma wounds. If you cannot sleep or are experiencing a strong reaction, you may benefit from professional mental health support. 

When thinking about the tragedy in Connecticut, I’m reminded of the child who told his teacher that he knew karate and could lead the way out if they needed him to do so. Children are so brave and so resilient, if we allow them to be. Take a step back and remember that your fears don’t have to be your child’s fears. Use this as a time to hold them near, encourage their uniqueness and be thankful for the holiday season together.