Career Change and Family Transition

I have always known what I wanted out of my career. When I see a direction I want to go, I just put my head down and work until I get there. It was that way when I began my full-time career at the EAP. I knew when I finished graduate school that social service agencies were not the place for me. I wanted to work with organizations and help their systems function more effectively. The key was applying what I had learned about family systems in school to the companies with which I consulted. One of the things I learned is, for all my faults (and there are many), my personality lends itself quite well to this role. Beginning in 2004, I learned about account management and consultation. The more I learned about myself and grew as an individual, both personally and professionally, the more trusted a resource I became to others. Being myself actually made me better at my job! It was a great realization.

Once I decided to explore private practice in addition to my full-time role at the EAP, I learned the same skills I had been developing for consultation, building rapport and coaching worked well one on one in clinical sessions. A new love was born. I consider myself very lucky that I have been able to find two careers in my post-graduate life that I was passionate about and juggled quite well, until recently. As I sit here, 4 days away from my due date with my first pregnancy, I realize how lucky I have been over the last nine years. I have been able to clearly state, “I love what I do.” And I truly mean it. But now, with the impending expansion of my family of four to a family of five, I realized I had to make some hard decisions.

Fifteen years of my life was spent raising other people’s children. I always worked hard and took pride in my role as a nanny. It helped me to discover myself and fine tune strategies in a way most parents never get. I believe I had an impact in each child’s life, no matter how short the relationship. Who they are is in some way, shaped by my role in their development. They shaped me as well and how I coach parenting strategies. Now I have my own children through marriage and another on the way! The work-work-work-at-jobs-I-love formula is not working for me any longer. I have to make a choice. I have to transition to the option I believe will work best for me and for my family. It’s terrifying!

Tomorrow is my last day at my full time job; the position through which I have defined myself for the last nine years. After tomorrow, I will no longer be an account manager at the EAP. I have had to give all my clients to my replacement. She’ll do a great job, but it’s still hard. I worked diligently to develop those relationships. Which ones will continue? Who will still reach out to contact me? And my coworkers, what will I do without them? I’m transitioning to exclusively working in my private practice. The thought, “Nobody’s the boss of me!” has floated through my mind on many an occasion when I have considered what it will be like to exclusively work in my own business. But while nobody’s the boss of me, I also know that nobody’s there to just drop in on and say hello. I’ll have to develop new friendships and new colleagues.

Juxtaposed over the career change is also my transition in family role and entry into a new level of parenthood. I take my role as stepmother very seriously, and almost never refer to my kids as my stepchildren. But there is something different to this. I’ll finally have the baby I longed for over the years. One who calls me “mom” and not “Teresa.” My husband and I will be co-parenting with an infant as well as school aged children. We’re all very Three Musketeer’s about it... “All for one and one for all!” We’re in it together, parents and children. The multilayered adjustments that will be taking place are going to take nurturance and care, for all involved.

Now I need more than ever to focus on practicing what I preach. The checklist begins: Stop worrying, make sure kids know I still love them just as much post-baby, connect with my husband about things other than children, manage the influx of family to ensure proper adjustment for my family of creation, get back to work soon so I don’t abandon my current clients, create appropriate structure and routine for optimal family and individual development. The list goes on and on.  

At the top of the list? Stop, look around and enjoy the changes. Everything will be fine in the end as long as we make the family our priority and I keep making room for my professional goals. 

New Babies and Blended Families

Integrating into a blended family is always a challenge. There are things that go smoothly and things that don’t. While it may be a sticky or even messy process to integrate into a family as a stepmother or stepfather, I can tell you from experience that when it goes well, it’s probably the best experience you can ever have in your life. My two stepchildren make life more interesting and much more fun.

Then comes the next phase of some blended families… a new baby. Our little boy is due July 22^nd and we’re very excited. Along with the excitement comes a new set of challenges. What’s the most important thing to remember? Patience and love for all parties involved. Remember, your decision to expand your family affects not only your children, but also the extended nuclear family. Having a new baby in the family can be seen as threatening to the current set of children, and they can bring those anxieties into both your home and their other parent’s home. In an ideal situation, all parents and stepparents involved are communicating well enough to manage emotional or behavioral issues that may surface. Unfortunately, an ideal situation isn't always the reality. So you work with what you have and do your best.

This is a celebration of birth, so don’t tippy-toe around your kids hoping they adjust. Making them a part of the planning can help them acclimate to a new baby. Talk about what they bring to the family and what they can contribute to the new vision of the family. They have a role and opinions and giving them a bit of reasonable control can help everyone along. Avoiding talking about the baby or being overly careful of their feelings will send the message that they should be upset. It’s important to find the happy medium of comfort for you and your children.

Here are some tips we followed to help our kids feel a part of our expanding family:

1. Use this as an opportunity to explain the birds and the bees in an age appropriate way. Opening up the conversation will make it OK for them to ask any questions that pop up, and there will be questions.
2. Narrow down your favorite names and allow the children to have input in the name. I let them veto one of my preferences for a first name and vetoed theirs… Justin Bieber and Shaq. (I think the reason for the veto is obvious.) But once we were all brainstorming, they really liked the other name I preferred. In fact, they got more of a say than my husband did. (But he chose the middle name so I think we all came out OK in the end.)
3. Bring them along to pick out items for the baby’s room or to register for gifts. My stepdaughter was able to man the registry gun at Babies R Us and I even let her register for a pair of roller skates. It would be amusing to see people’s reaction to a pair of pink roller skates on a baby boy’s registry.
4. Talk about what they can share with the baby. When preparing to move, my stepson kept many of his old Cubs jerseys and baby books because he wanted to share them with his new brother. He even talked with his dad about what books he was read first and now the kids argue over who will be the first to read to the baby.
5. Bring out the old baby pictures. I put the hospital pictures of the kids on the mantel along with their brother’s ultrasound picture from 20 weeks. It will eventually be replaced with his hospital picture. Just because I wasn't there for their births, doesn't mean we won’t celebrate their entry into the family as well. It also helps to have them talk to their other set of parents about when they were born. I've never met a kid who doesn't love those stories.
6. Let them have time with their birth parent. Time alone without the stepparent can allow for more frank conversation. Go to dinner or for ice cream with your kids and open the door to conversation. They may surprise you by letting you know about their secret fears, such as “Everyone will pay attention to the baby and not to me.” If you don’t give the space for the discussion, it won’t happen.
7. Allow them to develop their own relationship with the baby. My stepdaughter loves to tell secrets to my belly and try to feel him kick. My stepson is more reserved about it. That’s fine! He’ll love his little brother just as much as she will. Just let them be themselves. You can’t force a relationship.

Most of all, remember, this time is exciting and anxiety provoking for everyone involved. It’s all part of having a new baby in the family. If you approach everything with love and respect for each person involved, it’ll turn out well in the end. When you encounter bumps in the road, talk it out or engage a parent coach or therapist in the process to help you work out the kinks.  

Anxiety, Depression and the Everyday Mom

There has recently been an upswing in publicity around mothers who admit to taking anxiety and depression medication to cope with the stress of being a mother. I understand that most people who aren't mental health professionals would be quick to judge a statement such as, “Medication makes me a better mom.” Everyone needs to develop appropriate coping skills, but sometimes coping skills aren't enough, at least not exclusively. Demonizing the appropriate use of medication for mental health issues does a disservice to women and mothers. It takes us back to the 1950s, when mental health and medical issues in women were largely minimized or disregarded.

Being a mom is a difficult thing. If it was easy, I wouldn't see so many in the course of my practice. They come in overwhelmed, over-scheduled and overloaded. Sometimes they have symptoms significant enough for me to recommend they see their doctor or a psychiatrist. Below is a summary of symptoms from the current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR). Sorting through these symptoms and developing coping of any kind, including the use of medical intervention, is the key to getting a client’s life back on track.

Anxiety Symptoms:

• Feelings of excessive anxiety or worry for more days than not for at least six months
• The worry is related to a variety of life events or activities
• It’s difficult to control the worry
• Feelings of restlessness or agitation
• Difficulty concentrating
• Being “keyed up” or “on edge”
• Irritability
• Muscle tension
• Difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep or frequent waking

Please consult your physician if you experience at least three of these symptoms and the worry or symptoms cause significant distress in important life areas (work, home, social situations). These are real symptoms and should be addressed, especially if they have lasted most days for more than six months.

Depression Symptoms:

• Feeling sad or empty most of the day, nearly daily
• Loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities
• Significant change in appetite or weight fluctuations
• Sleep changes, such as sleeping too much or experiencing insomnia
• Feelings of restlessness or agitation
• Difficulty concentrating
• Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
• Feelings of guilt or worthlessness
• Loss of hope
• Thoughts of death or dying – with or without a plan

In order to be diagnosed with depression, an individual must have at least five of the symptoms, every day for most of the day, for at least two weeks. More than one two-week episode over a two-month period would be significant enough to tell your practitioner, as well. Depression & Anxiety can be more common after a significant life change such as divorce, job loss/change. Risk factors also coping with a major medical condition or post-pregnancy.  

Don’t discount the symptoms listed as just “Motherhood.” Learning appropriate coping skills, with or without medication, will help you feel less overwhelmed, more in control of your emotional state and better able to cope with the stressors of everyday life as a mom. You’re not alone, you’re not a “bad mom” and you’re not going to just magically improve without support. Take a moment away from taking care of everyone and everything else to take care of yourself. It’ll make all the difference in your family, your relationship and your life. It’s like getting yourself back. The one you used to know, or even meeting the person you should be.  

Talking About Tragedy

Has your TV been on since Friday’s tragic events? Mine was. Over and over I heard the question, “How do we talk to our children about these events?” Unfortunately, I did not hear the experts answer the question. Therefore, I thought I would provide some recommendations.  

1. Open the discussion in a general way. By offering to talk about an event, but not pushing it, you allow your child to decline to participate. He or she may feel overwhelmed or want to avoid thinking about sad things. This is OK, it’s a coping mechanism.
2. Let your child lead the conversation. Let him or her ask the questions. Don’t give unsolicited information about the event. If your child detours the conversation to another topic, it means he or she is done discussing it for now.
3. Be honest. You don’t have to give all the details, but giving misinformation  is a definite “don’t.”
4. Validate your child’s feelings. These are real emotions and the confusion and fear surrounding a random event of violence is normal. 
5. Remind your child that he or she is safe. Tragic events are random. There is no way to predict who will be impacted and when. That’s scary for a child who already feels overwhelmed by the task of growing up. Remind your child that you and the adults in his or her life are there to protect them.
6. Make this a teachable moment. So many children were saved because they listened to their trusted adults. Remind your children the best thing they can do in a crisis is to listen to their teachers or other adults and follow instructions. 
7. Teach tolerance. It’s easy to point fingers and over-generalize differences as a cause of the event. Refrain from pointing fingers at people who may be different than you or your family. This is the time to remind your child that everyone deserves love, support and hope in their lives. 
8. Close the conversation with an open-door policy. If your child ever has any other questions or wants to talk about how he or she feels, you are available. 
9. Turn off the TV. Your family can easily become overwhelmed by the constant media coverage in the wake of a tragedy. Choose what information source you trust, check in with it occasionally, and let your child get back to everyday routines without the constant onslaught of information.
10. Consult a professional. These are stressful times. One tragedy can spark a reaction that you may not expect from you or your family. It can also bring back old trauma wounds. If you cannot sleep or are experiencing a strong reaction, you may benefit from professional mental health support. 

When thinking about the tragedy in Connecticut, I’m reminded of the child who told his teacher that he knew karate and could lead the way out if they needed him to do so. Children are so brave and so resilient, if we allow them to be. Take a step back and remember that your fears don’t have to be your child’s fears. Use this as a time to hold them near, encourage their uniqueness and be thankful for the holiday season together. 

Difficult Conversations With Your Parents

As children we usually cannot wait for our own home, our own life and our own rules. For some of us, no sooner is that goal reached, and another issue arises that we never anticipated… aging parents.  As time goes on, you may find things that concern you about your parents’ lives. Perhaps they are forgetting things more often, or they become ill or injured. Your parents may even need to rely on you more often than before. If you have concerns about your parents and their lifestyle, health or mental capabilities, preparing for an honest and direct conversation can be the best approach. What follows are a few tips for when that time comes.

• Choose a good time to have the conversation. Busy kitchens at  holidays aren’t the most conducive location talk about sensitive topics.
• Manage your emotions and don’t speak from anger or frustration. The more upset you are, the more reactive they will be to your emotional state.
• Come with notes. Don’t have a conversation with an aging parent without making notes about the things that concern you and what expectations or limitations you need to set with them. It will help in the moment to have a point of reference… especially if the conversation gets sidetracked.  
• Allow them to comfort you. Your parents are still your parents and you’re still their child. Letting them sooth you a bit will help   balance the relationship out again.  
• Set appropriate boundaries. Letting family members know what your limits are for time, money or energy will help to reinforce  those times when you cannot lend a hand.

Having these conversations is never easy. If you feel you need support, please reach out to a professional. A family therapist can help guide you and your family together, mediate issues that come up and provide ongoing support to changing situations. Sometimes it just takes someone not “stuck” in the family system to help find objective ways to approach problem solving. You are not in this alone.

What is "Having It All?"

Many of you have heard about the July/August 2012 article in The Atlantic entitled, “Women Still Can’t Have It All.” Anne-Marie Slaughter has a great point. Women can’t have the perfect home, perfect kids, be the perfect mother and have the perfect career. However, neither can men. Idealism aside, all of that is just plain hard work. It is possible to greatly enjoy your career, work hard to make things happen in your life and have a family. The key is to understand which is most important at any given moment.

This is the eternal struggle of work-life balance. And women, we don’t have the market cornered on juggling life’s demands. These days, life is less like a “Mad Men” episode (I know this because I don’t have a mini-bar in my office and no one is smoking inside) and more like an episode of “Wipe Out.” Especially within bi-nuclear families, men and women alike take more responsibility for the home, the family and everything in between. This leaves us dodging and weaving our way through obstacles. Launching ourselves into slippery situations and sometimes ending up stuck in the mud. But at the end we reach the finish line, look back and think, “I did the best I could, and my family turned out all right.”

I see it myself in real-time. Making the decision by asking myself, “Which is more important at this time?” Do I spend time with the family or workout? Do I take the extra work time or do I have a date night? Life is full of push/pull. Knowing who I am regardless of the situation, what my goals are and living life according to my personal values is what keeps me balanced. It’s far from perfect. But it’s pretty darn great.  

Spring Clean Your Relationships

With all of the Snow White themed movies coming out recently, I am reminded of the original Disney version. Snow White seemed so happy to sing and sweep in that little cottage. These days, cleaning is less of a glorious task and more of a necessity, concentrated mostly in the spring/summer.

As the weather is warming, the kids are fleeing from school and you’re steadily overwhelmed by thoughts of vacation and juggling work-life needs, don’t forget the following tips to clean out your relationships…

1.    Make use of the weather to expand your relationship network. People get out and move more than any other time of the year. It’s a great opportunity for you to join a club or sport to meet new people and make new friends.

2.    Set up special one-on-one time with your significant other. Take some time to get out and hit a music festival with your partner or go canoeing. Do something fun- shared adventure increases positive feelings in a relationship. When out, talk about anything other than the house or the kids.

3.    Pick a goal to reach by September. Goals aren’t just for January. Goals can be to visit your parents more often, try a new activity or simply to work out more often. Picture yourself doing something that would enhance your life experience and take action. Share your goal with others and ask for their support –perhaps they’ll even join you in your efforts.

4.      Make a date with your kids. Time spent running them all over the earth for activities this summer isn’t quality time. Make a date with each child for one-on-one time each month. Let them choose a special activity and just have fun. Those are the memories they will keep. Take a picture of the two of you for the day and start a summer collage frame for them to keep. Memories get made every day – make them good ones.

At the end of the summer, take a moment to see what you accomplished. It’s important to look back on time and see the good things. Did you make a new lifelong friend? Perhaps you enhanced relationships with your families? Maybe you finally cleaned your ill-fitting clothes out of your closet? Any of these is a great accomplishment.

Don’t just let life pass you by. Embrace it, and those around you, to really enjoy your life experience.